I know I am naive. I wear heart on my sleeve and I am too trusting.
Even with my age, as many times as I have been hurt, used, abused, and tossed aside..... I still trust and hope. I trust too much and let down my boundaries.
I know how I try to act and treat others.... and I just assume others will do the same towards me.
So of course my boundaries are over run. I am hurt. I cry a bit. I give it to God. I go on.
It hurts. But God gives me grace.
But it is especially hard though when it is your own family who over-runs boundaries and disrespects. It is most hurtful when the one who should be there the most to help and protect you, condones,validates, and participates in the behavior.
It is heart wrenching when it is your mother. The one who instincts tell me is the one I can trust no matter what.... and then time and time again has proven that I can't.
Once again... I hoped. I wanted to believe the best. I let my guard down. I tried to make your birthday a special day. I did the best I could do with what I had.
And once again boundaries were disrespected, values were mocked, trust was broken, and hearts were hurt.
The most common definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
And that is what I have been doing. Time and time again.... you have proven that you have no respect for my family or myself. But I still want to believe that you will so I try again. And again I get hurt. I have been living in insanity.
I can't do this any longer.
So now my boundaries are back up. I still love you. But my boundaries are up thicker and stronger.
My family comes first. My husband deserves respect. My kids deserve respect. I deserve respect. Our house is our home. It deserves respect. My boundaries are up to protect my family and my home.
I love you. I am keeping the door for a relationship open. But I now realize you will probably never have the ability to foster a healthy relationship with me or return my love. I now understand that you have no respect for boundaries or our beliefs. I am not judging you. I am just observing your fruit that you have produced over and over again.
For the safety of my family I have to keep my boundaries strong. And until your behavior and your "fruit" changes our relationship will stay distant. We can no longer help you how you ask us to... because we no longer will enable you and your behavior.
I still hold hope that one day things can change. But until then I give you to God. I still pray for you, and I will still love you.
Happy birthday Mom.