Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Post Workout Ponderings

I am very fortunate to be a member of CrossFit Tulsa. I am really VERY fortunate because my hubby, Mr. Strong, is a trainer there.

This video was recently put together by one of the other trainers, that give a brief glimpse into what a normal workout class looks like. No I'm not in this video..... I avoid cameras at almost any cost. :)

I was given a compliment yesterday. Some one told me I was strong. But I certainly don't feel strong.....

I can tell I am making some improvements, and I even got my VERY FIRST DOUBLE UNDER tonight during group class. But I still don't feel very strong compared to other women in the class.

Now you have to understand. Looking from the outside I'm not strong. I'm not fit. I am still 40lbs overweight, and I am barely better off strength wise than I was a year ago, or 4 years ago. (It's not a failure due to the workouts or any of the coaches. The failure is mine due to my lack of commitment and consistency.)

(Please be kind as you read my attempt to explain, since it is late, way past this momma's bedtime, and I'm barely functioning. But I had to write what I was thinking now before I lost the nerve to do so.)

So being told I was strong was a huge surprise to me. And when I asked them in what way they thought I'm strong, their answer surprised me even more.

They responded, that I am strong because they know how self conscious I am, and how embarrassed of my self I am. But yet they've seen that I've been able to force myself to come anyway, and give every workout I'm here for my all.

This really got me to thinking.

Yes it is true that I am extremely self conscious of how I look, of how unfit I still am.

I am extremely embarrassed of my size, and am afraid that I would be an embarrassment to my husband. After all, he's a Physical Therapist Assistant and a CF trainer. I really have no excuse, having the resources I have here at home, or the access to the CF Tulsa box that I have, or the knowledge I have, to still be in the shape I'm in.

I am self conscious because I can't fit into the "cute workout clothes", and what I do have isn't very flattering at all.

I am self conscious because I am aware of how many times I have started working out, determined to be consistent, but yet something in life gets in the way and I don't stick with it.

And the list of why I am self conscious can go on and on.

Up to this point, I have timidly listened to my self consciousness, and have been afraid of my embarrassment. I cared way to much about what others may think about me, or say about me, keep me from stepping out and doing what is better for me. I have let fear keep me from making another step, or another effort, to reach the goals that I have. I have let my self consciousness, and fear of embarrassment, keep me from doing anything about what I am self conscious or embarrassed about.

But no longer.

I don't know exactly when. But I've decided that I'm no longer going to let those things keep me from working out.

Yes, I am still self conscious. Yes, I'm still embarrassed about how big I am. Yes I still have little nagging thoughts of doubt about being able to stick to it. But I've made a conscious decision that I'm not going to any longer let those things paralyse me from making progress.

But thinking about what this person said, made me realize, yes I am strong. I may not be strong on the outside. But when I made that decision, I have begun to be strong on the inside.

And I know there are others out there who are like me. Who up to this point have let fear or self consciousness, or little doubts stop you from doing something positive to better yourself and your life.

And if you are one of those, and you somehow stumble onto this little blog, I just want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself on the inside.

Tell yourself that no longer will you let fear of embarrassment stop you from taking another step. Tell yourself that no longer will you let your self consciousness paralyse you into inactivity. Tell yourself you no longer care what others may think or say.

And honestly, it's none of your business what others think of you. Your business is only what God thinks of you.

Take that next step you need to take to better health and fitness.

Yes, you most likely will have the self consciousness, the little doubts. But the more times you take that next step, you will find that those fears and doubts are unfounded like I have, and the easier you will overcome bigger fears and doubts.

You will find a hidden strength deep within yourself.

And you will become strong in your inner-self long before it is revealed in your outer-self.

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